Taming the Inner Critic

Reflection of photographer in windows between exterior bars on window

Most of us have experienced the inner critic, an inner voice we hear sometimes that says, “why did I do that- that was so stupid” or worse “I’m such an idiot” or “I’m fat” or “dumb” or “unlovable” or some other kind of negative label or name calling. This is often played out as an inner negative dialogue happening in our head but some of us might even say it out loud. We might walk around shaking our head as we call ourselves a “loser” or “pathetic”. These may be sentiments we wouldn’t dare say to a friend or loved one. They are often things we would never allow someone else to say to us. Yet for some reason we allow this inner critic to beat up on us, to berate us over and over again. We tolerate it, we “buy into it”. We start to believe that these inner thoughts and criticisms are true. This negatively impacts our self-confidence and keeps us stuck in a negative thought spiral.

I believe the inner critic comes from the part of the brain that is responsible for evaluation, observation, analysis, and judgment, from the part of the brain that can help us get from “point a to point b”, balance a check book or improve a project we are working on for our job or school. These are beneficial uses of this part of the brain but when the inner critic gets into name calling and labeling it has become harmful and it needs to be shut down or tamed at the very least!

Eckhart Tolle wrote the statement below in his book “The Power of Now”:

 “As it is, I would say about 80-90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive but useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful. Observe your mind and you will find this to be true. It causes a serious leakage of vital energy”.

 I love his use of words here- especially “a serious leakage of vital energy” because the problem is truly that dangerous. Allowing your inner critic to berate you and hold court in your mind endlessly drains you of valuable energy that you could be using to move forward in life, feel more confident, find joy in the day or in a particular pursuit or rest and recuperate when needed.

Some people believe the inner critic helps to motivate them or keep them “in line” or “on track”. I am all for that, but I believe there is a healthy way to do that which does not include putting yourself down, making you feel bad, like a failure or that you are not enough.

You may wonder how to reduce your inner critical dialogue and free yourself from this affliction or unhealthy habit. I have listed six steps below as a place to start the process.

6 Steps to Begin to Tame Your Inner Critic:

1. Recognize your Inner Critic is harmful and helping to keep you stuck.

2. Become acutely aware of your Inner Critic, what it says to you, negative labels especially. Consider keeping a list of the negative comments and criticisms that you hear from this inner voice. Sometimes the inner critic won’t be as obvious as a label or negative name calling, sometimes it will be more of an underlying thought current, less fully formed so you may need to dig a little deeper on those occasions.

3. Choose to shut him/her/it down the moment you become aware. Tell the inner critic- “NO” or “NO THANK YOU” or “Thank you but I wasn’t asking your opinion” or “Cancel that thought” or simply STOP the thought without finishing it. Even if you never get to step 4, 5 or 6, getting to this point will help. Removing the negative will allow space for something healthier to blossom.

4. Look for proof of the opposite, evidence of the opposite. It may also be helpful to keep a list of evidence that proves the opposite of what your inner critic often criticizes you about and continue to add to it so you can go back to review when you need to. In this way the the information will become more accessible to you and easier to recall.

5. Say the Opposite. If you are struggling to find proof of the opposite, simply say the opposite to yourself, reverse it. Use your RAS (Reticular Activating System) to your advantage and “Fake It ‘til You Make It.” At first this might feel phony or fake and not natural but once you start saying it, it will become more familiar to your subconscious mind and your RAS system will begin to allow in, or seek, opportunities which will make it happen. Eventually your feelings and confidence will start to catch up or align with what you are telling yourself.

6. Connect with the part of yourself that doesn’t “buy into” your Inner Critic or it’s criticisms, the more loving, nurturing, realistic, compassionate part. Your Inner “Coach”, “Trainer”, “Guide” or “Wise and Loving One”. Talk to yourself from this place. Bring the voice and compassion you might use with a friend or loved one to yourself.

Let’s imagine what this process above might look like. 1) After reading this post you acknowledge your own inner critic and that it is harming your self-esteem. 2) You vow to pay closer attention to how often you harshly criticize yourself and begin to write these negative thoughts and labels down. As you do this you are surprised just how often it occurs. 3) You start to catch yourself thinking or saying the negatives and begin to say “cancel that” or thank you, no thank you” each and every time. 4) You become your own detective looking for evidence of the opposite for example when you think- “oh I’m such an idiot” you remind yourself of how you took care of your mother when she was sick for years and was able to manage all of her prescriptions and healthcare in addition to holding down a full time job and that your bosses liked your work so much they promoted you to a higher level position last year. It would be hard to imagine those things happening if you were an “idiot”. 5) Even though you don’t always feel smart or intelligent you begin to say it to yourself- “I am an intelligent person who is always learning and trying my best”. This becomes a form of self suggestion and boosts your confidence allowing you to have greater success, which allows for greater trust in yourself and additional proof that you are intelligent. 6) You think about your favorite coach in high school and what he or she used to say to motivate you when you were down and you begin to say this to yourself. You find a part of you that is nurturing and kind to support yourself when you are feeling down or discouraged.

Additional Tools:

In hypnotherapy it can be very helpful to imagine visiting with a mental representation of your inner critic. You might have a conversation with it, explore its needs and frustrations or work toward a compromise. It can also be useful to connect in hypnosis with a mental representation of a more wise and loving part of yourself. During hypnosis the hypnotherapist can provide a setting where all three of you can connect and learn to better understand and support each other.

A hypnotherapist may also assist you in understanding where your inner critic came from or how it originated. We are not born with an inner critic. It is developed over time from the people we are surrounded by and the environment we grow up in, our culture, our religion, and other external factors. It may come from a bully on the playground or something we read in a book or saw on TV and then internalized. It could also come from our own interpretation or misinterpretation of the absence of positive feedback or attention. By understanding where and when your inner critic came from you can choose whether its criticism is still valid for you or something you still want to listen to. You may find this a freeing experience!