Drop the Narrative- Feel the Feelings
When life gets overwhelming and emotional states become heightened, it can be helpful to drop the “storyline” that is running through your mind and focus simply on the physical aspects of the emotion. If you can do that, you can shorten the time that you are suffering. You can limit the impact the emotional state has on your day or week or life! Of course, if an emotional state is joyful you may not be as eager to do that. In general, this practice is most beneficial for the more difficult or painful emotions like anger, disappointment, fear, jealousy, rage or sorrow.
It’s not life that causes suffering, it’s our story about life—our interpretation—that causes so much distress. When we practice interrupting the story we’re telling ourselves, we can find a new freedom and flexibility in the face of uncertainty and change. Without words, without the repetitive thoughts, the emotions don’t last longer than one and a half minutes.
Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön
Pema Chodron, quoted above, talks about how the practice of dropping the old narrative, or storyline, is about training yourself not to follow the thoughts, not in getting rid of thought altogether. That would be impossible. When you allow yourself to bring the old narrative or story line into the present situation, or upsetting event, you escalate the emotions or fuel them with the storyline. It can be similar to pouring kerosene on a fire.
I decided to write this post because of an event that happened earlier this month. I had just completed a completely separate post on a different topic when I lost the entire post and could not retrieve it. I had probably spend a good two hours on it and was really enjoying how it was coming together and then with one click it disappeared. I was so angry and an old narrative of mine began to feed the fire and keep the upset going. I reached out to tech support and the person asked me to create a few lines of a new post to see if the same error code would come up so we could do some trouble shooting and avoid the problem happening in the future. I instantly thought of Pema’s word and concepts and this post was created. I have yet to recreate the old post but was able to move forward with the rest of my day that day, let go of my emotions and use my energy in places where I could make a difference.
As you respond differently to an old habit, you may start to notice changes. In the past when you got angry, it might have taken you three days to cool down, but if you keep interrupting the angry thoughts, you may get to the point at which it takes only a day to drop the anger. Eventually, only hours or even one and a half minutes. You’re starting to be liberated from suffering.
It’s important to realize that interrupting thoughts isn’t the same as repressing them. Repression is denial of what’s happening, which only sends the thoughts underground where they can fester. At the same time, we don’t want to keep chasing after the thoughts and getting hooked by them. Interrupting thoughts is somewhere between clinging to them and pushing them away. It’s a way of allowing the thoughts to come and go, to arise and pass, to not be such a big deal.
Believing in the story line—identifying with the interpretations we put on our experience—is deeply ingrained in us. We assert our opinions as if they were indisputable: “Jane really is intrinsically horrible. I know this for a fact.” “Ralph is intrinsically charming. There is absolutely no doubt about it.” “My neighbor is completely ignorant.” “No one understands me”.
If you revisit the memory of something distressing over and over, rehashing what happened and obsessing on the story line, it becomes part of your identity. You’re just strengthening your propensity to experience yourself as the one who was wronged, as the victim. You’re strengthening a preexisting propensity to blame others—your parents and anyone else—as the ones who wronged you.
But “What if you are right?” you might ask or “What if the story or narrative has truth to it or is correct?” This could be true but to effectively create change, you need a calm, resourceful approach and not one where you are constantly in the state of suffering or rage.
How Do We Do Drop the Narrative?:
1) Remember that there is a narrative or storyline to drop
2) Try to find a place to be alone for a few moments if possible
3) Choose to direct your attention to the physical feelings of what your are experiencing away from your thoughts
4) Tune in to your body and your 5 senses- your eye sight, what you see around you, what you smell, what you taste, what you hear, what you can touch. This will help you get out of your head and thoughts and into your body.
5) Then, most importantly, notice what is going on inside your body physically. For example, are your hands shaking? Do you feel hot? Where do you feel tension in the body? Are your hands clenching? Is you jaw tight? Are your feeling nauseous?
6) Sit with the physical feelings, allowing them to be there without judgement. If a thought unrelated to your physical feeling enters your mind, identify it as part of the storyline and set it aside going back to the physical feelings. A thought like “It’s Jane’s fault that I’m feeling so tense right now” is still part of the storyline even though it is connected to the physical feelings.
7) Try to observe the nuances of the physical feelings and the shifts that occur physically. If one part of the body begins to draw your attention more than another, notice it and follow it. Notice as the feelings begin to lesson and others take their place.
It may sound easy but it is usually not so easy to do this. It will take practice but it is worth it. The more you practice, the less you will suffer and the less time you will feel the physical sensations of the difficult emotion. Your old story line will also begin to have less of a hold over you. Even if you still believe it to be true, it will consume your thoughts less and you will begin to have less of an automatic reaction to it and begin to be able to better choose the reaction you want to have, the best one for you. You will become more of an “actor” in your own life and less of a “reactor”.
Research shows that emotions, if not suppressed or ruminated about, last somewhere between 15 and 90 seconds. Sitting with the physical feelings of the emotions is not suppressing them it is letting them flow through you as little children do. Setting aside the narrative or storyline is to not ruminate about the emotion and therefore doesn’t add fuel to the fire or further escalate it. If you make this practice part of your life you begin to see the truth in this. It is true that the emotion may come back. When this happens, you once again drop the narrative and drop into the physical feelings.
Additional Resources:
1) “Don’t Bite the Hook” by Pema Chodron. This book goes into this concept in more detail along with others related to not feeding the fire of your emotions.
2) Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a modified type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others. The four core pillars of DBT are Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness and Distress Tolerance.
3) Hypnotherapy- Hypnosis can be useful for reinforcing mindfulness, CBT or DBT techniques. In hypnosis one can be directed to mentally rehearse new practices such of these making the subconscious mind more familiar with them.
4) Mindfulness Techniques and Training- Mindfulness helps you focus on the present or "live in the moment." This helps you pay attention to what is happening inside you (your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and impulses) as well as using your senses to tune in to what's happening around you (what you see, hear, smell, and touch) in nonjudgmental ways.
Mindfulness skills help you slow down and focus on using healthy coping skills when you are in the midst of emotional pain. The strategy can also help you stay calm and avoid engaging in automatic negative thought patterns and impulsive behavior.
5) Somatic Experiencing- A brain-body therapy known as “bottom up” therapy, which aims to release the physical stress in the body, thereby leading to release the emotional stress in the body as well.
If you have questions, or wonder if these techniques might be useful for you, consider reaching out to Hypnotherapy and Wellness for a free phone consultation by going here.